The Story Behind the Hustle: What Growing Up with Nothing Actually Does to Your Brain
Three weeks ago I bought a couch.
And before you go thinking this is a decorating episode, stay with me. Because what happened in my brain when I bought that couch tells you everything you need to know about what scarcity actually does to a person.
I had a number in my head. A budget. And this couch was way over it. But the second I saw it and sat in it, I knew. It was a down couch. I had never in my life sat on a down couch before and I did not know I needed one until that exact moment. Do yourself a favor and go sit on a down couch if you haven’t. You’re welcome.
It was a floor model, custom ordered by someone else who never picked it up, which is why the price was actually close enough to my original budget to make it possible. And I still sat there running through every scarcity thought my brain has ever had.
I can’t afford this. What if something comes up.
Even though I knew I could afford it and I had done the math. Even though this was exactly the kind of thing I had worked my whole life to be able to do without guilt.
That moment stopped me in my tracks. Because I realized the circumstances had changed. My brain had not.
And that’s what we’re talking about today.
Where It Actually Came From
I grew up in a small Texas town. A ranch. No stoplights. My class from kindergarten through fifth grade had five people in it. Life was simple in a lot of ways.
But even as a kid I was very aware of adult struggles. Money was always a source of tension. I watched it cause pain in ways that stuck with me long before I had words for what I was witnessing.
By the time I graduated high school things were really tight. My mom gave me an IOU for my graduation gift. That piece of paper meant everything to me because it showed me how much she cared even when there was nothing tangible to give.
When I left for college I brought a set of twin bed sheets, a few pieces of clothes, and not much else. No car or savings. And no safety net. I remember talking to my future roommate before we moved in and realizing I had nothing to contribute to the dorm room. It was embarrassing. But I made do.
And then college happened.
I worked multiple jobs just to survive while surrounded by students who seemed to have everything. Cars. Clothes. Parents paying tuition. People who didn’t seem to worry about where they were going to sleep. I walked and ran everywhere I needed to be. Running was my savior back then and honestly it still is today.
And then my apartment burned down.
Just mine. I lost everything. Literally everything. Clothes, belongings, furniture from my grandparents. For someone who already had so little it felt like rock bottom. I remember sifting through the ashes and finding the three ring binder of my picture portfolio. I had negatives back then. And that’s when it really hit me. I had nothing.
I crashed on friends’ couches and relied on people who gave me clothes and showed up for me in ways I will never forget. And I started running up credit cards just to get by.
And somewhere in the middle of all of that I made a vow to myself.
I would become financially independent. I would never depend on anyone for anything. And I would never ever go back to that feeling again.
That vow saved me. I want to be really clear about that. That vow is why I built my business. Why I kept going when things got hard. Why I never stopped. When you’ve reached rock bottom there really is nowhere to go but up and nothing really scares you anymore at that point.
What Nobody Tells You About Survival Mode
Here’s what nobody tells you about survival mode. The wiring doesn’t just go away when the circumstances change.
I am an expert at pushing things way down and just keeping going. It genuinely is my superpower. I can compartmentalize like nobody’s business, and can keep a brave face on when everything inside me is falling apart. I spent years doing exactly that and it worked. It kept me going.
But that same skill, the one that saved me, also kept me from feeling things I probably needed to feel. It kept me from resting when I needed rest and it kept me from spending money on things I had actually earned without guilt. It kept me in constant forward motion even when forward motion wasn’t what I needed.
Because when you have built your survival around never stopping, stopping feels like a threat.
Even when you are safe. Even when you have the couch budget. And, even when you have done the work. The brain still runs the old program.
And for a long time I didn’t even know that’s what was happening. I just thought that was who I was.
What I’m Starting to Understand
Here’s what I’m starting to understand. Slowly and imperfectly. As always.
That girl who walked and cried her way to multiple jobs. Who crashed on couches and lost everything and kept going anyway. Who made a vow with nothing but sheer determination to back it up.
She needed to do all of that. She did what she had to do to survive.
But I don’t have to keep living like she’s still in danger.
Taking care of her doesn’t mean continuing to operate from her fear. It means showing her that things are different now. That the work paid off. That she can sit on that down couch without guilt. That money flows, and I know that sounds cliche but the more recent years have proven it to me over and over again. It has a way of showing up when you need it if you stay open to it.
That’s new for me. Letting go of the control. Trusting the flow a little. Not being quite such a control freak about every single dollar or every single outcome.
Still a work in progress. I still catch myself running the old program all the time. But I’m getting better at noticing it now. And noticing it is the first step to changing it.
This Episode Is for You
If you grew up with money causing pain in your house — this is for you.
Or if you built your whole identity around never needing anyone — this is for you.
If you’ve done the work and changed the circumstances but your brain still hasn’t gotten the memo — this is for you.
You are not broken. You are wired for survival. And survival got you here.
But maybe, just maybe, you don’t have to earn safety anymore. Maybe you can just have it.
That’s what I’m working on. One down couch at a time.
This post is a companion to the Jama Pantel: Unfiltered podcast episode “The Story Behind the Hustle: What Growing Up with Nothing Actually Does to Your Brain.” Listen to the full episode wherever you get your podcasts or click here to listen now.
